Facebook, Twitter, and New Year’s Resolutions

Do your new year’s resolutions involve changes to your personal relationships?  Perhaps you’re considering a trial separation from your spouse or partner.  Or you’ve decided it’s time to move forward with a divorce.  Maybe, after a bitter and tense period, you’ve resolved to stop fighting with your ex and try to get along better for the sake of your children.  If you have these intentions, a family law attorney can provide wise counsel as you move through this time.

One thing you ought to consider is your use of social media.  Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with friends, loved ones, and acquaintances, but things you post on this site can also come back to haunt you.  If you put negative comments about your spouse, partner, or ex on your wall, they could be used against you in court in an effort to show that you’re unable to have a positive relationship with the other parent, which could impact your children.  If you’ve moved on romantically, posting comments or photos can lead to adultery charges.  Or it could inflame the emotions of your ex, who in turn does things to make your life more difficult.  Keep in mind that just because you’ve moved on doesn’t necessarily mean the other party is ready to accept that you have a new love interest.

What about the other side of the equation?  Is there anything wrong with using social media to keep tabs on your spouse or ex?  Possibly, yes.  If you’re constantly checking for Facebook or Twitter updates posted by your spouse, you may be preventing yourself from gaining the emotional distance required to heal or allow you to deal objectively with the legal aspects of your relationship.  In order to move forward this year, perhaps the most helpful thing you can do is shut down your Facebook page.  If that’s too drastic or would just increase any sense of isolation or loss you’re feeling, talk to your lawyer about appropriate posts or other positive ways to use this and other sites.

There are many, many details to consider whenever you want to make changes in your life.  If those changes involve family relationships, this blog is a resource you can use to help you keep those resolutions.  January’s posts on this site will be dedicated to steps you can take to improve your life and the lives of your children in 2012.  Feel free to discuss these ideas with us or your own attorney to see if they can help you with your family relationships this year and beyond.

New Year, New Life?

So many of us are going through major life changes right now.  Maybe it’s your new year’s resolutions.  Maybe it’s upheaval in your family due to separation or divorce.  If the change involves your family and you (or your child or spouse) live in Virginia, this blog is your resource.

Having gone through a major life change myself at the end of 2011 (new baby!), I certainly appreciate your patience during the break I took from blogging.  Right after the new year, I’ll have the site up and running again — in the mean time, if you have ideas about what you’d like to see in 2012, please let me know!

 

Virginia Divorce and Custody Blog — Help us win this contest!

Here at All About Virginia Family Law we strive to provide legal content you can’t live without.  Okay, maybe you can live without it, but we’re certainly trying to make life easier for you by writing what we do.  Whether you’re in the midst of a divorce, contemplating a separation, dealing with a custody matter, or a lawyer who deals with all (or none) of the above, we aim to serve you.

So, if you like our blog, won’t you help us win the ABA’s annual contest for the best legal blogs?  The nomination form (Blawg Amici) is here:  http://www.abajournal.com/blawgs/blawg100_submit/

Deadline is September 9th.  Thanks in advance!

And by the way, we’d love to hear from you if you have suggestions for posts or matters you’d like to see addressed.  You can leave a comment or contact us at www.aounstanford.com

Addressing Mental Health in Virginia Divorce and Custody Cases

Item #7 on our list of things to do in 2011 is to take care of your mental health issues.

I mentioned this briefly in my last post.  But this item on our list is so important that it deserves its own post.

Virginia courts are required to consider the mental health of both parents whenever they have to make decisions about custody or visitation issues.  Many people are afraid that if they seek treatment for a mental health issue (or a perceived mental health issue), they will not be allowed to have custody of their children.

But mental health issues are in many respects treated similarly to physical health issues, which courts are also required to consider in Virginia.  In other words, a diabetic is expected to eat carefully, seek medical attention, and take medications prescribed by a doctor to manage his or her illness.

Similarly, a woman diagnosed with bipolar disorder is expected to seek treatment from a mental health professional and take the medications prescribed by her psychiatrist.

Failure to attend to physical or mental health issues sends the wrong signal to a court.  Courts look to adults to behave responsibly and make improvements in their lives.  If not, the court often draws the conclusion that the adults are not capable of caring properly for their children.  Since the court needs to determine which parent has the greater capacity to assess and meet the needs of the child — including physical and emotional needs — it’s important to be able to show your own ability to recognize such issues in your life as well.

Failure to address or even acknowledge mental health issues is a weakness in your custody or visitation case.

Do you have questions about how your mental health could affect your divorce or custody case?  Are you concerned about confidentiality? Feel free to contact us via email or by phone at (703) 273-2670.

Don’t be a stalker!

Item #6 on our list of things to do in 2011 is to stop stalking or any type of behavior that appears obsessive-compulsive.

Don’t call, text, or email more than a reasonable number of times in any day or week.  If you have questions about what’s reasonable, ask a family law attorney who regularly handles cases involving protective orders, custody, and divorces.

Virginia is moving closer toward penalizing people who engage in stalking behaviors, and offering greater protection to their victims.  If you have good intentions but your behavior is close to the edge of what the law considers stalking, you could find yourself being dealt with quite harshly by the legal system.  You could also find yourself barred from seeing or talking to your children as often as you would like.

In a previous post, I suggested keep a log of visitation or phone calls to help track behavior or patterns for use in court hearing.  Sometimes people go overboard in their attempts to document behavior, so it’s important to consult with an experienced family law attorney about the type of log to keep or introduce in court.  It’s easy for a court to get a false impression of your intentions when making a decision after limited exposure to your family law case.

Make sure any messages you do leave are cordial.  Don’t make threats or say anything that could be misconstrued by someone else — a judge, magistrate, or police officer — as a threat.

If you have a mental health issue that makes it difficult for you to regulate how often you call, text, or email, it’s wise to address the issue with a mental health therapist.  Courts expect adults to take care of their health issues and deal with them appropriately.

Do you have questions about your attempts to communicate with your spouse, children, or the children’s other parent?  Feel free to contact us via email or by phone at (703) 273-2670.

Don’t procrastinate!

Item #5 on our list of things to do in 2011 is don’t procrastinate!

Specifically, don’t procrastinate when it comes to asking for child support or spousal support.  It’s heartbreaking to tell clients that their decision to delay filing for child support or spousal support has cost them thousands of dollars they will never recover.

Why?

In Virginia, the court cannot award support retroactively except in very narrow circumstances.  To get court-ordered spousal or child support, an individual needs to file a petition for support, and then arrange to have the petition served on the other party (a spouse or the child’s other parent).

At the court hearing, a judge does have the authority to award support retroactive to the date the petition was served (delivered in a specific way) on the other party.

A delay in filing means a delay in support.  If a mother decides to sue for child support after a year of separation, she has forfeited an entire year’s worth of support for her child with no chance of recovering it except if the father agrees.

Do you have questions about how to get child support or spousal support from the court?  Or would you like to discuss getting support by an agreement instead of using the court system?  Feel free to contact us via email or by phone at (703) 273-2670.

Use common sense when it comes to paperwork

Item #4 on our list of things to do in 2011 is to use common sense when it comes to paperwork.

Even the most thorough person can get lost in all of life’s paperwork.  But keeping track of important legal paperwork is essential to preparing for a divorce or other type of family law matter in Virginia.

Keep a binder or other clear record of financial and legal papers.  Some examples include:

• closing documents for the sale or purchase of a home
• documents related to refinancing a home
• letters or cards showing gifts (especially of valuable personal property or real estate)
• inheritance paperwork
• retirement earnings statements
• receipts for support paid
• court orders

Finally, make sure you carefully read any document before you sign it.  And if you have questions, ask!  If you’re not sure how a document affects you or your children, ask for time to review the paperwork first, and contact an attorney to discuss the papers with you.

Once you’ve signed something, it’s often too late to change your mind.  Don’t let a lapse in common sense deprive you or your children of any money, rights, or entitlements without a clear understanding of what you’re doing.

Do you have questions about any of your legal or financial paperwork?  Feel free to contact us via email or by phone at (703) 273-2670.

Organize your thoughts to save time and money!

Item #3 on our list of things to do in 2011 is to keep a journal, notebook, or calendar of important events so you don’t forget them.

As fans of baby books, scrapbooks, and journals know, even the most precious details get fuzzy with time.  When you’re trying to keep track of important events related to a divorce or custody matter, it’s essential to have an accurate history.

That’s why keeping a journal or other log can be important.  For ease of use, you might consider making these notes in electronic format so you can easily reproduce them later.  Just make sure you store the information in a protected location, and make a backup copy.

Keeping a log can be helpful for documenting both negative and positive events.  If you are entitled to visitation and the other parent withholds or denies your visitation, you’ll want to track this behavior.  If you are trying to show a history of positive involvement or caregiving, you’d want to note the types of activities (bath, dinner, homework, play) that you do with your child.

Here is a list of some things we’ve found it useful for our clients to record (of course, this list depends on the type of case each client has, but it should give you an idea of what types of things you may want to track):

• Visitation log.  Include scheduled dates of visitation, and note details such as whether you showed up for visitation (or whether the other parent showed up for visitation), whether the exchange was on time or not, if anything negative occurred at the exchange, whether anyone witnessed the exchange, and how the child behaved at the of the visitation exchange.
• Phone log.  If you are allowed telephone contact with your child while he or she is with the other parent, note the date and time of the calls you’ve made.  You may want to include the number of times you had to call your child before you got a return call.  Sometimes you’ll need to make notes about the call itself, such as whether anyone was interfering with the call, or the duration of the call.
• Support payments log.  Keeping a good record of making or receiving child support or spousal support payments is essential when attempting to prove compliance (or non-compliance) with agreements or court orders.  When payments are made via check or direct deposit, it’s relatively easy to obtain the proper documentation to support payment history.  Payments made by cash or money order should be tracked by issuing (or requesting) receipts.  Although money orders can be traceable if they are deposited, fraud can too easily occur if they are simply cashed and you don’t have a receipt from the other parent or spouse.
• Caregiving log.  Here you’d record the types of caregiving activities you perform for your child, and the percentage of time each parent does each activity.
• Child’s daily activities log.  It’s important to have a clear picture of your child’s daily routine.  If you don’t know it, it’s not likely a court will consider you a very knowledgeable or involved parent.
• Marital contributions log.  Virginia courts consider both monetary (paying the mortgage, buying groceries, earning money) and nonmonetary (cleaning the home, preparing the meals, taking care of children) contributions to a marriage.  If your marriage is in trouble, it won’t hurt to clearly document the efforts of each spouse to help you more clearly recall the patterns and division of labor if you end up in a divorce hearing.

Keeping track of the minutiae of life is time-consuming and can seem petty, but if you suspect you’ll be trying to prove patterns of behavior, payment, or contributions in a divorce or custody case in the future, getting organized now can save you a lot of heartache later.

Do you have questions about these suggestions or want to talk about your divorce or custody case?  If so, feel free to contact us via email or call us at (703) 273-2670.

How much money do you need?

Item #2 on our list of things to do in 2011 is to figure out your monetary needs.  

Most of us agree that a budget is an important financial planning tool.  But if you are considering separation or divorce, or if you’re already in the midst of one, it’s more important than ever to sit down and figure out what you’ll need to live on.  You also need to figure out how much you’ll need to have a decent life.

If you need spousal support (often called “alimony”), it’s critical to figure out your expenses so you ask for enough support to meet your needs.  In many cases, the standard of living achieved during the marriage is taken into consideration, so it’s important to give your lawyer an idea of the lifestyle you enjoyed before separating.  For example, if you and your spouse regularly took vacations, bought luxury cars, or ate out in nice restaurants frequently, you may be able to receive even more support if your spouse still earns a good income.

The key to getting the support you need is to prepare and provide this information for your attorney.  If you’re not currently working, or if your only experience is part-time, you should try to plan your future expenses around the income you may receive from full-time work.  This may require doing research into the job market, meeting with a vocational expert, or researching the costs of going back to school or getting job training.

While you may be allowed a certain amount of time to find a job, most people are expected to work full-time after divorce (of course, exceptions are often made for disability, retirement, or spouses with no probability of obtaining employment for other reasons).

Your lawyer can give you an idea of how much spousal support you might receive in settlement negotiations or a court hearing.  It’s up to you to determine how much you need so you and your attorney can work effectively together.

If you need help with spousal support issues, or have other questions about separation or divorce, feel free to contact us here.  You can also request your free guide to Virginia divorce by visiting our website at www.aounstanford.com.

Life Lessons from my Mom

I’ve learned a lot from my mother over the years.  This Mother’s Day, I wanted to pay a small tribute to her by listing — in no particular order — ten of the most important things she’s taught me (and continues to teach me!).

1.  Encourage others.  My mother was blessed with the gift of encouragement, and it’s something she has nurtured over the years.  She always encouraged us, but didn’t limit it to her family.  Doing what comes so naturally to her, she even started a program in her community to visit and encourage people going through difficult times, sharing a small gift basket and some kind words with people in need.

2.  Volunteer.  I can’t think of a time when my mother wasn’t volunteering her time and talents, whether organizing the volunteer schedules for Meals on Wheels, helping out at our school or church, or some other project.

3.  Just pick up the phone and get it done.  I was surprised to learn as I grew up that my mom would describe herself as shy.  I can remember hearing my mom on the phone calling any number of people from her list to organize project details.  In fact, she told me she finds that task a bit intimidating, but she just gets on the phone and gets it done.  I try to remember this when I have a list of calls to make I’m not excited about either.

4.  Make a list.  I learned basic organizational skills from my mother and have become an incurable list-maker.

5.  Always try.  (Mom, you know what I’m talking about!)

6.  Have faith.  I am so grateful for being introduced to my faith at an early age.  Not only has it helped me get through many a rough patch, I simply can’t imagine that I would have found my way without this early influence.

7.  Be united in front of the kids.  Like many of the lessons on this list, the credit really goes to both of my parents for this.  Even when my parents didn’t agree, we kids never had a clue.  They discussed what the rules would be in private, agreed on an approach they could both live with, and were impossible to divide.  We didn’t always appreciate that growing up, but we sure do now!

8.  Enjoy life.  I’ll never forget the hysterical laughter my mom and her friend broke into one summer while taking my sister and I for a summer stroll.  Our initial displeasure turned into one of my favorite memories.

9.  Ask.  From trying to find out how to get something done, to asking for a discount on a slightly defective article of clothing (that I know how to fix, thanks again Mom!), it never hurts to ask a question, especially when done with the proper mix of humility and confidence.

10.  Take time to read and play with your kids.  To be honest, I don’t follow this lesson closely enough, but I’m working on it.  From running a business to keeping on top of the housework to helping my husband with various projects, just playing with my kids doesn’t take enough priority in my life.  And I can always remember my mom taking the time to play with us.  I’ll work harder on emulating this life lesson — starting right after I say Mom, I love you!!  Thanks for everything.